everyday life

April 12

I will begin the diary in this part, properly. I still resent the pains of change, my inner self is torn between willpower and faith. I do not know why God has entrusted me with this difficult task, nor why he has set me on this path, but I know that I must please him and be attentive to his plans rather than my own doubts and feelings. I have tried to reconstruct the days before this date, but it is very difficult to remember what I did every day.

April 13

I got up late, finally the kitchen technician arrived to build it, was a good time but until Monday will finish. It looks great, just like what was planned. At least it was worth so much spent. I had to start lifting the dump and cleaning the dust that had accumulated for days.

April 14

Today was a pleasant day, I got up at about 12 after having worked until about 3 in the morning. I do the usual routine: have breakfast, take drum to the park and make some exercise, I have a record of 100 abdominals daily since November and I hope to progress to decrease my abdomen.

April 15

I feel better, today we celebrate Mariana's birthday with a meal. My dialogue with God is based on gratitude for what I have and the fact that I feel like one of your privileged children. Last night I could not sleep, I watched movies until about 4:30. The last one was a Spanish or Colombian, very bad, who spoke of the infidelity of the husbands. The main actor was a guy who wrote a book about it but did not know anything about it. The most salvageable thing was when a girl told him that infidelity was due to the lack of attention a husband receives from his wife. He reminded me when I told a co-worker once he told me how they discovered his father in his family with another woman. I told him, well, you really did not get mad at your father, but at the provider. Or were you more interested in him than what you needed for you? I asked. And he did not answer anything anymore, I just saw that he was upset. Sometimes it is important to review the concept of father, not only the one that we have been forming with our experience, but the one that must be. A father - and a mother - is a person who requires attention, interest and support, but the children are poorly educated about it. We usually just wait for what we get and claim to ask for more. God is our father and we act the same.

In particular, I think that marriage cancer is routine, good routine, tedious, duty without reward or recognition, duty fulfilled with complaint and apathy. That's what really discouraged a person over the years. For me, infidelity is encouraged by the number of people who can see one out there and who get you out of that lethargy, watching your skills, at least while you are the novelty. I started the anais of the works of René descartes, are like 4 books that I am interested in studying again, later I will continue with Leibniz. The Japanese language I like despite the complex, I enjoy listening to it in the songs. I keep working and that keeps me busy the longer time of day, as always. I see more clearly the meaning of my life and that gives me tranquility and relative happiness.

I feel the support of God and I understand the new stage that has come to me. It has been very difficult but again I have the faith that has never left me and that has led me to have an acceptable life, despite the difficulties and bad people I have encountered along the way.

April 16

It's 1 in the morning, I'm not sleepy. While listening to music, I read Foucault and Patrick Süskind (The Perfume, Story of an Assassin), I write this diary and think about my problems. I am worried about Pilar's mental health, she is obviously ill, but daughters prefer to think that they are ideas of mine because of the pain she caused me and that time will tell. For me its pathological behavior is so clear that I am determined to give it help and try to save it with the few means I have to do it. I do not lose sight of the hypothesis of my daughters, but I am aware that it is not so, for really although I am no longer interested, I do not want it to suffer more damage. I have consulted various documents on mental health in this regard and have confirmed what I think. Although I did not need them, they give me more security and although I think that in the future I will be able to prove that I was right, I do not want that to be present at an irremediable moment. I am waiting for the results of a medical consultation, as that will give me more objectivity in this case.

How many stories about assassins, it really is very interesting to observe the antecedents of all of them. Their development and living conditions made them so heartless. While reading the book of Perfume, I reflect on people who are capable of doing evil without any remorse, almost all of them had a sad childhood and have developed a lack of empathy towards

The feelings of the others. April 17 It has been a day of those in which some noise has awakened me like 5 o'clock in the morning and the dream has frightened me. I started to see a movie, El Violador, I think Argentina, terrible but it returned the dream, so that I get up until twelve thirty. I was waiting for the informal kitchen ... all day in pail, I did not even speak to say anything. As at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I read El Perfume in Spanish, I like the quotations, such as El País de Jauja, (another reference, the story), and rare words such as: huge, colijo, alarca, Stump, olisco, ball. Thanks to the Internet access to its meaning is immediate and very rich in resources. I could spend my whole life sitting here, reading books like this in several languages, studying languages, reading philosophy also in several languages, and watching videos of Japanese and Korean music. The afternoon moves slowly in the middle of a cloudy and quiet day of a April that has treated us well regarding the heat of other years, 22 degrees the temperature. The realization of several activities allow me to rest mentally and think about their content, without making fanfare since many activities really require a particular time and space. Reading makes me think of the technological changes that promote the image over the text, an image Says more than a thousand words, yet the descriptions of the authors are very special and rich in nuances that can only be produced by artistic talents. As we advance in reading, the simple disentanglement of the olfactory ability of Grenouille, the main character, has taken much of the text and reminds me that I once had the anxiety to study the phenomenon of vision, which is due to the Refer to the light beams on opaque objects. In particular, he thought about the rectilinear shape of the rays and the possibility of altering this path to one of the multiple curved fomas, which would have the possibility to see beyond, despite the objects that hinder us. In the case of this character, he had developed the possibility of perceiving through smell, almost as dogs do, identifying objects that are at a distance or hidden from view.